After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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