I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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