I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
