my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
