At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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Randomize
