Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
