yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
