I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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