Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
