Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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