Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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