So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
