I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
