hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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