I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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