on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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