she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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