I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
