I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
