boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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