the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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