Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
