That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
