I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
