Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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