no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
