I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
