Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
