Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
