I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
3pm strippers are depressing
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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