After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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