I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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