i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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