Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
