matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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