That's intense
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
