I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
