standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
