I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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