cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
