Having a random hookup so left but love u
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
