You really coming over, don't trick.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
