so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
