so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
