How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
