I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
