Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
