hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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