Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
