I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
