everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
